August 22, 2013

I saw The Conjuring a few weeks ago, and since I have nothing better to talk about, I'll try and talk about that. It wasn't that scary; I was disappointed. Most scary movies aren't scary to me, there are just parts that are really sudden and surprises you, and I get surprised really easily so that kind of irks me about "scary" movies. I mean, in The Conjuring, no one even died. That has to be like a prerequisite for something to be called a horror film right? In this movie, no one even got close to dying, not even the mother who got possessed by a demon. I have to say, I'm pretty disappointed. This is why I don't like scary movies, there has yet to be one that actually scared me for more than a few seconds at a time when something suddenly jumps out of the dark with a loud sound. I really wish they would come up with a movie that was actually scary and gave me nightmares and paranoia for a week or something, that would be really refreshing.

August 15, 2013

Summer's pretty much over. It's pretty amazing how much time I've wasted this summer. I don't even think it's a choice anymore, it feels like I'm physically unable to focus for more than minutes at a time. I asked my teachers for my AP scores since I still couldn't access them. Can't say I'm too happy with my scores. It's times these when I wonder what the future is going to hold for me. Am I even going to get into a college? I mean, Pamela has pretty high expectations for me, and I'm just really tired of being a disappointment. But "why don't I just do something about it" right? Well I'm trying but like I said, it's not even about choice anymore. As it turns out my brother was right, I'm too stupid and lazy to live. And I can't even communicate with people; the future ain't lookin bright. My fault I guess, my priorities were messed up. I wish I could have loved my family as much as I'd loved my friends because they're here for as long as we live, but now that my friends are gone I'm left with nothing. Too late now, there's really nothing to save

August 8, 2013

My AP scores are still not out. I guess I'll have to ask Pamela about it when school starts. Sigh... stuff like this always happens to me. I didn't sign up for the June SAT either, I'm not sure if Pamela knows yet, or how pissed she is. This has become the story of my life, I can't get anything done because no one tells me what to do. I've become pretty useless like that, because it's how I was raised to be. I have no problem with doing any task, as long as I'm told exactly and specifically what to do. Otherwise, I just rot and do nothing. I have no sense of responsibility, because I was never allowed to have any. I don't feel "wanting" for anything anymore, because whether I got something I wanted or not was always decided by a higher power: the decisions of my parents, and the laws "protecting" children. If you think about it, kids have no power to change anything about their lives, unless their parents grant them that power. According to the law, children are not people, children have no rights, children are the property of their parents, and until we are 18, our lives are determined wholly and completely by our parents, except for the parts that they choose to allow us to control. Anyways, that was a huge digression, so back to the AP scores thing. I don't have my AP scores, I don't have a real SAT test score, I don't have good grades, I don't really have much of anything to go on right now, so the potential for everything to explode in my face is still quite great. If I do fail though, what options am I left with? There's no way I'm staying with my parents, or repeating a year, but there's also no way my parents are going to agree to just buy me a plane ticket back to the States and let me just disappear. I've always believed that high school and college years would basically make up 99% of your life, in terms of memories, achievements, and experiences. So as everyone else looks to turning 18 as the beginning of their lives I'm beginning to wonder if it will mark the end of mine.

July 29, 2013

"People haven't always been there for me, but music always has." That is probably one of my favorite quotes from Taylor Swift. I remember when my oldest brother showed me the song "Mockingbird" by Eminem, when I was in second grade. That became my first favorite song. Growing up, I've never had an ipod, and my computer time was reserved for homework only, so I listened to music through the radio, my friends, and the library computers. The first artist that I found for myself and legitly liked was Yellowcard, which I still listen to today. My music tastes however, have grown more towards EDM. Friends are usually only there for you when you're happy, or when you're sad, one or the other, but music is always there, and it's helped me get through many parts of life. One of the first things I ask people when I meet them is what music they listen to, because I believe that one's music tastes tells so much about one's personality.

July 21, 2013

Well, this summer has been pretty uneventful, so I don't have much to write about in terms of events. What shall I write today... I'll create my own story, I hope this counts for credit because I really have nothing to write about. So there once was a centaur who loved archery. He carried his bow wherever he went, and he met other archers and even befriended the animals in his forest. But, because he loved archery so much, every day, his hands would become sore and sometimes even bloody from pulling back his bow so many times. He also became caught up psychologically with archery and sometimes forgot about the other parts of his life. However, he was truly happy, because this was what he loved doing. But one day, there came a crab, a crab who claimed to love this centaur, and cut off his right hand "for his own good" so he could really start living, instead of being so preoccupied with archery. The centaur could no longer hold his bow, so he could no longer stay in the archery forest, so he was forced to move to a completely different forest and live the rest of his life there. The centaur could never forgive the crab for taking away everything he loved, and he hated all crabs from then on. He wept by himself over losing his hand, and gave up on ever being happy again, until he met a young lamb, who brought him out of his misery. They became friends of sorts, even though they fought, but soon the little lamb grew up to become a big strong ram and went to the next village to work, and rarely came to visit, getting caught up in his responsibilities, and showed no trace of the fun-loving lamb he used to be. During this time though, the centaur had also befriended a magical lion, who saw his missing right hand, and spent hours every day caring for it, and using its magic to grow a new hand for him. The centaur could finally practice archery again, and he was happy, and forever grateful to this kind lion. However, one day the lion just walked in, bit off the centaur's right hand, and left, and never came back. This left the centaur baffled; had he not shown enough gratitude to the lion? Maybe he should have used his hand to care for the lion, who had visible scars on him that his own magic could not seem to reach. Instead, the centaur had been selfish, and used it only for himself, so he did not blame the lion like he blamed the crab, because the lion had just been taking back a gift it gave itself. The next beings the centaur would meet would be a human boy. He was shocked when he first met him, for the centaur had never seen a human boy before. As the centaur approached the boy, another one came from behind the bushes. They looked exactly the same! They were twins. It was late at night, so the twins could not clearly see the centaur, but the centaur had nocturnal eyes, so he could clearly see the twins. They talked all through the night, and the centaur had never enjoyed such pleasant company! He imagined living the rest of his life with these fascinating twins, as best friends, as brothers. But, the sun rose, and the twins could see the centaur clearly for the first time. They saw how ugly he really was, and the fear and disgust showed clearly in their eyes. They packed their belongings, oaths of friendship forgotten, and went on their way as quickly as they could, and never looked back. Well, this post is getting way too long and I don't have an ending for the story yet. But really, there is no need. This is one of those stories that will "write itself".

July 14, 2013

It's amazing how much people can change isn't it? And how quickly. Close friends become strangers, and people you've seen every day but never talked to become your best friends. That bothers me, how people can just pass in and out of your life so easily. Did anything really matter then? Were those hours just wasted? Should I have spent them on myself? It's like I'm a dandelion, and the wind is the people passing through my life, and with each gust of wind that comes and leaves, a part of me is taken with it. I get attached to things like superglue, and then they leave tearing off bits of flesh until I'm like a mound of bones and guts. And what is love anyways? Have I felt it? I like to think so. But, I guess I'm wrong, because no one will believe it. I guess even I don't believe it. I mean, I can't even find it in me to love my parents, who brought me into this world, so what right do I have to say I love anyone else? When I think about them I just feel sad for them, and I'm reminded again why even if I ever have the opportunity, I never want kids. I'm glad they have my brothers though, so they have something to be proud of, for all their work. Should have stopped at two kids though, going for three was a bad call. Sorry, better luck next time I guess.

July 6, 2013

Man, that 4th of July felt weird. No fireworks or anything, I only realized it was Independence Day well into the night, when in the States I would have been given a noisy reminder the night before. I wonder if all of these journals are going to be read. I wonder if even Mr. Jones is going to read these :P. Just kidding Mr. Jones, I know you're here, hi there. You know what, I'm too lazy to look for a news story that I can actually talk about, so I'll just ramble. So I'm basically a senior, or I will be in 2 months. Time passes so slowly when you're living it, but when you look back, everything seems so fast. I haven't even gotten over turning 16 yet, and now I'll be turning 18 in less than half a year. I admit, I've never been independent, and that's not how I was raised to be. My mom stayed at home to take care of my brothers and me, instead of moving forward in her life and getting an occupation and a life. As a result, I've been closely watched my entire life, and have had no chances whatsoever to take on responsibilities or do anything by myself. I honestly don't think this was a good thing for my development, but I don't really blame them either, because if they had left me alone to become independent I would probably want them to have stayed with me to take care of me. That's the thing with humans, we are never satisfied with what we have. We always want exactly what we don't have, and the things we are shaped to believe in and need are the things we never had. People look at me, and they say to themselves, "Wow dude he's so smart he can get a high SAT without even trying", but the truth is, I did, in fact, pay for that, with countless hours of my childhood alone and reading books to satisfy my boredom. I look at other people, and I envy their ability to feel, and make connections with other people. I would trade any day, I mean, do you really want a bunch of spare time on your hands to waste or would you rather study, with friends and people you have connections with? But, in the end, we all want what we can't have, and the pursuit of happiness is just us, chasing our own tails.